How many people do you love? …I mean, really love?
I’ve got to say, I think that I’ve loved a lot more people than I thought. Actually, I think I love people so much that when I have to correct, confront, or rebut something to a loved one, I do one of two things: (1). say it bluntly and directly.. even with a little attitude, or (2). try to lay it out as nicely and un-offensively as rhetorically possible. (<– fun with suffixes !). Anyway, it seems to be faulty. I am faulty. ..or, faulted, rather. I only say this because I was faced with a broken heart, just this evening. It was quite unexpected, to say the least. I was stunned.. I nearly gagged from the shock. I saw a face I had only dreaded I would see, yet, still a face that I had been thinking of only recently. Weird. Disarming. So, I stepped out. I needed to make a phone call anyway.. and help a lost friend find her way.
It was freezing out. The core of me was warm, but limbs were cold and fingers, icy. It started out fast. A quick pace, then slower, less breath-y …weaving through gentrifying blocks and across decaying streets. ..the phone ringing, my fingers freezing. Surgery went well, but I wished I could be there. Homesickness is lethal. And, my dear, at least she is doing well.
I needed my mind off this heartache, and I needed to put this fervorous feeling into something decent and I needed to hear that the doctors gave her an okay. (they did 
). All's well that ends well.. and ain't that the truth? ..surgery, good; break-up, not so good.. I had to come back soon. A friend was still lost and I needed to get her. A success. But shortly after, heartbreak still everpresent and a mind still ill at ease. It slipped by me: stealthily, daringly. The surprise, the shock of it hitting me like the broomstick blow to a 6-pointed star piñata.. nova.. candy guts bursting out… my blood exploding through veins under my skin.
..What do you do when the face of a heartbreaker is before you? Worse yet, what do you do when the face of the heartbreaker before you doesn't know that s/he broke your heart? Ahh, yes, and now we've come to my dilemma. My non-confrontational, pussy fault. great. It seems that I would be the only one who has reservations; it seems that I'm the only one with an issue; it seems that I broke up with him/her without his/her knowing it or why.
[this is] B U L L S H I T with a heavy-hearted sigh.
[Alas ], it is long since time that I zip up my big girl pants and speak my peace. scary. of course. But, I'd rather face the heartbreaker than an involuntary gag reflex and a Parkinson's shiver.
Oh …life. ..It's good to have revolution. ..evolution.
Breathing.. 1.. 2.. 3… … …
tango, tangissimo
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